Want to really get inside my head? Check out my other blog.

Want to really get inside my head? Check out my other blog.

 Believe it or not, I've been doing quite a bit of blogging lately; it just hasn't been here.

I have another blog I use that only focuses on my battles with Major Depressive Disorder. For now, it's called "The Depression Diaries."

That space is used when I suffer from writer's block, or I when I have a great deal of anxiety, or when I just don't feel like a particular topic doesn't fit within Bama Boi Blues. Funny though, because this blog originally chronicled my bouts with depression; however, it focused on my issues with depression within the scope of my sexuality.

My other depression blog covers my entire mental processing of my feelings and emotions as a whole. I guess it's more identifiable to the masses that way.

At any rate, I hope chronicling any and all of my happenings, whether here, or there, or any other blog I write, it will help people in some way.

So, if you dare to really get up close and personal by jumping into my crazy brain, be sure to check out my other blog.

Reminder: It Gets Better

Reminder: It Gets Better

Lately, I've been constantly questioning my instincts, my choices, and other behaviors. I had to sit back and process everything that's been happening in my life so far this year. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'm in an emotional déjà vu. I've been in this place before, and it wasn't a good spot to be in.

Since I can remember, I've battled major depressive disorder. It's a battle that I often get tired of fighting. There are days where I want to give up on life, but I maintain, and I continue to fight every negative thought that pounds in my head, and shakes my emotions. And I'll tell you, it's difficult to be understood when you can't even understand your own mind.

However, my life, although rough, isn't as bad as it could've been. I'm still here. I've contemplated, even borderline attempted, suicide twice. Obviously, I still have some fight in me, and there's still hope that I will push through all of this darkness, and make sense out of things.

Sometimes, you have to appreciate your past victories to account for your current existence. If I had committed suicide at the age of 22, or the age of 23, the good things in my life wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have experienced or learned half the things I know now. I wouldn't have come out to my family and friends, and I wouldn't have seen the love and support that they give me.

Sometimes, you have to remind yourself of where you were versus where you are now. You have to remember that though you've had some pretty bad moments, you made it through enough to appreciate the new day. It's a constant work in progress.

To remind myself of a time that I was in a good head space, I went back to read one of my favorite posts here on Bama Boi Blues - Dedicated to You. This post is relevant to me right now in this crucial time in my life because I often forget that I took many brave steps to at least live my truth. As the rest of the day goes on, if I must, I will read that post over and over, reinforcing that my life has purpose, even if it's only to do LGBT outreach through blogging.

My life matters. Your life matters. Press forward, work hard, and believe that things will get better.

Click here to read "Dedicated to You."

When a Closet Case tries to read you, but you're openly gay.

When a Closet Case tries to read you, but you're openly gay.

So, about a week ago, an associate of my ex, supposedly a friend of his, told me that my ex was comparing the guys he was dating to me - allegedly, of course.

For one, what good is that doing me by letting me know that my ex has been out and about trying to fill voids and find male replacements? I'm my own standard. My own original being. We will never find the same things in the person we once dated.

If nothing, that further tells me I made the right decision to move forward without looking back. However, I was disappointed in myself for allowing my ex's friend to trigger hurt emotions.

It was a messy move of him, whether it was his intentions or not. However, I do believe it was intentional, even though I told him I didn't want to know anything about my ex's endeavors and sexuality struggles. And yet, this friend still disrespected my wishes, and this was not the first time he had done this.

So, I told the associate that I wished my ex the best of luck with his randoms - and wouldn't you know it? This friend attempted to tone police me and call me out for being "insecure" about the relationship. What bothers me even more is that he made it seem as if he and my ex were discussing my insecurities or whatnot together - but here's the thing:

I grew tired of having my name associated with insecurity, and I wasn't going to allow another individual to label me as such, especially an individual who can't even accept his sexuality. Not ever again. Nope.

Check this out: I've identified as an out gay male since the age of 23. Every day I wake up, I know that my family and friends know the man I am. I can look in the mirror, knowing exactly what I'm about, and I don't have to apologize or hide anything. I'm gay, and I know this, and people know this.

Now. . . Ask my ex and his buddy if they can say the same thing, then we'll talk about who's really insecure.


 That's all I have for that.

And it's sad because it's not my ex's fault that he was dragged into unnecessary conversation; it was his friend's doing. A friend that fits within the same boat as my ex, as far as I'm concerned, and right now, I no longer set up shop in that kind of business. Honestly, my ex may want to reconsider his friendship with that guy. Seriously.

Admittedly, I'm flawed, and I don't sweep any of that under the rug. For any dude that talks to me, I make it known that I'm a constant work in progress, but dammit, I know who the hell I am. Also, a dude can know my struggles just by Googling "Bama Boi Blues." Openness and transparency is kind of my thing. This is known across the board.

As much as I didn't want any of this to trigger me, it had. So, I did what I usually do - I cooled off to myself, making sure not to interact with the causes of my triggers, i.e., my ex's friend that wanted to also be my friend. Clearly, this individual will never be my friend.

At the route he's going, he'll never have a decent friend that will put up with his foolishness, messiness, and "level of intensity" which he claims he possesses. He will continue to lurk in the shadows, looking for validation from those who pity him. If nothing, I should've followed my first instincts to not entertain his self-centered antics because one, he was a friend of my ex, and two, he's too broken to admit it.

I also feel that he's been straddling the fence and feeding both my ex and I information just to cause issues for his enjoyment, but I may be wrong, but that's what my instincts have been telling me. Dude just can't be trusted.

The lesson here is to not allow people to place emotions and feelings on you, when you know exactly who you are. I will no longer have someone label me as insecure. The only one able to claim insecurity is myself. I may be giving this too much energy, but I hope that for those that are going through similar situations as I am, can realize that as long as you know yourself, no one can tell you who you are and what you're about . . .especially messy closet cases.

Never let a closet case call you insecure, when you're openly gay.

Gotta heal first before you can love later

Gotta heal first before you can love later

For the last few months I have not been trusting my instincts that much. Instead, I've been listening to the opinions of others on how I should heal and move forward during this period of my life. I've taken things under consideration, even gave a few suggestions a chance, but my heart and soul knows the truth - I'm not ready.

This healing process is deep, and nothing goes away over night, and I'm not a guy that can quickly fill in spots just to feel better about myself. My breakup was tough, so tough that I really didn't feel like I broke up with my ex until about 3 months ago, even though we supposedly ended our 3-year relationship back in November of 2014.

With the prodding of some friends, and a person whose intentions have been questionable since he showed up, it seemed that it was important that I move on, go date other guys who were secure in their sexuality, or at least go have all the sexual fun I wanted to have.

In my own way, I gave push-back because I knew deep down, I wasn't ready for any of it. I'm not.

And for whatever reason, I felt because I wasn't out hooking up, or keeping different men in line for my own needs, I wasn't winning. You know how it is with breakups - the person who moves on the fastest is the clear winner. That's stupid logic, though.

It already took me a while to get over the fact that my ex may be getting what he's looking for from some other guy or guys, and frankly, that's fine. It's no longer my headache or heartache, so for that, I know I'm doing better.

But to think that I'm ready to get out there and date is unrealistic for me. Yes, I crave late night conversations of laughing and talking with a dude who is into me just as much as I'm into him. I want it badly, but emotionally, I'm not there. I barely want to be touched or touch anyone else for that matter, and if my ex is winning based on any random dude he talks to, congratulations to him. We all heal differently.

Filling voids by finding replacements to compare and contrast isn't my preferred method.

My fear was that I'd be that kind of gay guy that would become cold to any guy interested in me, where love meant nothing. Thankfully, I do look forward to loving again, but I'm not settling for just any old guy that comes my way and tells me I'm cute. I'm not that guy anymore.

I just don't want to be alone, and I don't want my goodness wasted on any man that can't openly appreciate it. My goal is to keep writing, and keep going for my goals. It's a bittersweet period, but at least I'm healing on my own without trying to fill voids. Healing isn't easy, but at least I'm serious about it. When the time is right, I'll be ready. Until then, it is what it is.

Slay of the Day: Gladys Knight - Just a Little

Slay of the Day: Gladys Knight - Just a Little

Listen, this is the kind of upbeat coolness I need in my life right now, and it came around just in time. Gladys Knight doesn't disappoint in this cute video, and I must say, she looks great!

She's 71 years young, and pumping out a dance beat for everyone to enjoy, and for that, she deserves Slay of the Day. Yes, the song is different from the ballads we're used to Gladys belting out, but nothing wrong with a change of pace.

According to Billboard, "Just a Little" is the lead single from the singer’s 12th studio album, which is do out sometime next year. As the newest ambassador for VH1's Save the Music Foundation, Knight is looking to bridge age gaps, break away from her traditional style, and unite everyone in the name of music.

It's Friday, it's been a stressful week, and honestly, when I first heard a snippet of the song, I perked up instantly. Now hearing the full track, I really dig it. Instant mood booster for me. You can check out the video below to get in on the fun!

What do you think of Gladys Knight's new single "Just a Little," as well as this music video? Sound off in the comments section!