Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: Intro

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs
The next few posts will be a series of stories I've appropriately entitled "Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs" - genius, isn't it? Throughout some of my posts I mentioned that I learned a lot about dealing with homosexuality through the use of Yahoo! Messenger, chatting with different men who kinda  had that "been there, done that" attitude about their experiences. 

However, as I was persistent in getting as much info as possible, some of my chat mates took to me, and provided their personal stories about coming to terms with their sexuality. To this day, I still chat with some of these men, while others no longer occupy my buddy list. At any rate, each and everyone of them allowed me to see myself through their experiences.

To be real about it, the circumstance in which I made some of these Yahoo! buddies was a combined result consisting of boredom, loneliness, and horniness. I think that's pretty justifiable since I've already talked about that in one of my past posts. Through it all, I've chatted with many guys since the age of 18, and now at the age of 27, I can say that those conversations played a part in my young gay life somehow.

These chat buddies became my connection to a world unknown to me at the time. In particular, there are approximately 8 men who stand out the most, so each post will discuss each chat buddy respectively. With each dude, I learned a lot about the male experience when it came to being closeted or open about being gay. None of these guys are the same.

Since many years have passed, my recollection of each buddy may be a little fuzzy, but I'll do the best I can.


(Image source: Pixabay)

Monday, August 25, 2014

Apparently, I'm a troll who capes for feminists using fake nigga outrage

Hey there.

Last week was pretty heavy. I didn't write at all, even though I should've, and I was very much emotionally affected by everything concerning Mike Brown's murder. I found myself completely drained and bothered by all things social media, yet I couldn't help but continue scrolling down my timeline, only to be disappointed or annoyed by other people's thoughts and opinions.

So, as the week went on, extending to the weekend, I decided to shut down, but all before doing that, I found myself in a little Twitter mess, which served no purpose but to further understand that people are assholes, and that's okay.

Short version: I called a guy out for basically claiming words that weren't his own, by simply asking if he'd give the young woman he had stole the words from credit. His reply, "So?" I just told him if he's cool with handling things that way, okie doke. Next thing I know, a few of his followers came at me wrong, claiming I was trolling, I was caping for a feminist, I was a feminist, and I was not focusing on the real issue at hand with my fake nigga outrage. Oh, I was also told to kill myself. Cute.

How any of this had to do with the simple question of why he didn't give the woman credit is beyond me, but for those familiar with what I do already know that anything coming from my side of the track is nothing but genuine, so I tried not to give it too much mind; however, I did want someone to explain why or how I was trolling or being fake with outrage, none of which I actually was. Again, I really didn't get much reply accept for the young brotha that told me to kill myself. So, I had to use the block button, mostly because there was no point in engaging, and just in case the thought came for anyone to come at me with the harshness; I'm not here for it.

Was I wrong for asking a simple question, no. But, it is amazing how people, all of whom never met me, attempted to project what that they thought I was feeling unto me. I was neither angry or trolling or fake, yet, it just sounding quite nice and insulting to come at me in such a way. I was not caping for the young woman; however, his followers were quick to step to this man's defense with nothing but hate, but here's the kicker...

We're all supposed to be standing in solidarity for Mike Brown, yet delusion and hubris stood in a few people's way just to be known. I stand by my actions, and I'm sure they stand by theirs. At the end of it, my work speaks for itself, but it's sad and bothersome, I won't lie.

I do wish the guy and Inyanla Vanzant very much prayer for whatever they have planned for African American minds to absorb. I'd even caution you not to even listen out for any of it, says this trolling feminists with fake nigga outrage.

In other news, it's a new week, so I shall make the best of it.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Depression Diaries - Triggers, Anxiety, and Suicide

Depression Diaries - Triggers, Anxiety, and Suicide
Depression is a real disorder, and I can't say that enough. I struggle with it every day. In fact, I've used this blog space to outwardly project my depression, so that I want keep it bottled up. Depression is unhealthy. Continuous negative thoughts will stop you in your tracks and keep you from living a productive life.

Sometimes you won't be able to eat, sleep, or socialize. Sometimes you'll eat too much, then sleep it off just to cope with your feelings. Either way, socializing will be difficult, but you'll try your best to put on a happy face just to keep your torment under wraps. Sometimes it's not enough, so suicide is often seen as the best way out.

Suicide is not a coward's way out. We see it as an end all to the constant negativity taking up space in our minds. We figure, if we fail to exist, the burdens brought on by our depression will cease to exist as well. Unfortunately, we feel that we are ultimately that burden. Because of this, many of us suffer with depression in silence, and that's just deadly. Based on my personal bouts with depression and suicide, I've come to realize that suicide is the final strategy to combat clinical depression.

I remember my old therapist describing depression as running from a vicious dog that only we could see. Suicide is the stopping point where the individual feels they can no longer run. Maybe that's what actor/comedienne, Robin Williams must have felt. Maybe that's what a lot of people who suffer from depression feel; I know I feel like that sometimes, but I deal with it as best as I can, hoping that I won't succumb to ending my life.  

You are not alone, and you shouldn't feel that you deserve any of the pain you feel. You don't deserve it. You do matter.

One of the ways I've helped myself with depression was by documenting any and every feeling I could think of during the "down phase" of clinical depression. It allowed me to pinpoint the trigger (cause of my depression), sort out the reasons behind them, and then try to cope with my feelings by adjusting accordingly. After the jump, you can find links to what I'm now calling my Depression Diaries. Whether it serves a purpose or not, I just want to leave my own struggles and thoughts on all things depression, emotional triggers, and suicide. Just know you are not alone, and I'm still here to share my stories with you. Don't give up!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

How Else am I supposed to Feel?

How Else am I supposed to Feel?

"I never thought that describing myself as an average, young, black, Southern male who just so happens to be gay would possess such severe layers that I've just begun to unfold since the inception of this blog." - Bama Boi (Kevin T.)

I knew I was on to something when I attempted to start a series of posts dissecting Id, Ego, and Superego in reference to growing up a black gay male in the South.



I live in the SOUTH

If you don't understand the significance of why these three things have me feeling sick to my stomach right now, allow me to explain it to the best of my abilities. Check out more Tweets after the jump.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Musings 8 - Worst Themes in Gay Movies

Musings 8 - Worst Themes in Gay Movies

Listen, I love a good Gay Themed movie just like any other gay guy looking to find awesome representations of himself in the media; however, there comes a time in a film where I have to sadly shake my head at the general themes or cliches that come too often in the movies I watch. 

Call them cliche', call them tired, or call them whatever you want; I just want writers and directors to call it quits with some of these themes. Now, some themes are just part of the story, I understand that, but after a while, these themes become all too predictable and formulaic. In my opinion, some of these themes or cliches are overused and overexposed, and often make the films hard to watch or altogether boring - that's when you add a bunch of male nudity to balance it out - sigh.

The following is a list of some of the worst themes in gay movies that I've come across so far. These themes don't necessarily make the entire film bad, even though there are some baaaaaaad films, but it does make me roll my eyes while questioning my life choices. Again, these are just my opinions, along with a few screen shots from various films, in no particular order.