Thursday, September 18, 2014

Bare with me if you can

Hey friends,

I would like to apologize for slowly pumping out more content. As much as I'd like to push through it, I'm having a hard time with depression. It's mostly my fault because I haven't been taking my meds consistently. Words are sometimes hard to come by when describing my depression, and often find it best not to say much about it at all, that is, in my personal life.

However, I'm trying to speak up more about it because it is a serious thing. The last thing I want to do is end up another blogger who has succumb to the idea of taking my life, and I just can't go out like that. Don't worry, I'm seeking help and getting my med regulated, but it's taking time. Depression is a bitch.

You are basically battling yourself your entire life. Anyways, the blog will resume soon, but if you can, just bare with me.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Professor

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Professor
This is a cropped version of a risque photo found on the Internet, and by no means represents the person discussed in the following post.

Screen Name: "Sad Dad"

ASL: Late 50's to early 60's / M / OK

Seems my memories of each Yahoo! Messenger buddy is not as strong as I thought it was. I found myself going back to my old Ymail account to see if I could recover any past conversations, but I came up empty. I guess with battling demons of depression's past, I deleted all conversations. Knowing the old me, I probably didn't want any reminders of my former self, and I guess I didn't think I'd blog about any of the dudes I've chatted up in a public matter.

I can't say that any chats I've had have been bittersweet as far as my experience, but some of the stories shared with me have been. This buddy was an older white guy, which most of these chats were with older white guys, but he was probably the oldest out of the men I had conversations with. 

He was from Oklahoma, supposedly a professor at one of the state's universities. It seemed he had a pretty decent life for a middle class, old white male - the house, the kids, etc.; however, he wasn't happy. He lost his wife a few years prior to us even connecting through Chat. Although he loved her dearly, he always had an attraction to men. That being said, he never pursued or acted on his attraction until after her death.

I can imagine that years of suppressing your homosexual desires can be defeating when you're finally able to venture into learning more about yourself. To be an older male trying to pursue sexual conquests in a youth obsessed realm can be debilitating. All he had was a cam and chat rooms to browse to get off, but I think he was looking for more than just sexual thrills. He was lonely.

Home empty, kids grown, and no companion, he tried going out to different bars and clubs, but didn't have many interested in his attempts and advances, unless he had cash to spoil their young adult needs. He liked them younger from what I could tell, but still adult. Either way, I think he took to me because I took time to listen. We chatted, we cammed, but it all felt empty and weird because I knew it wasn't helping him or myself at all. Do I regret any of it? I really don't know, but I have another story that I regret more, so this encounter seems harmless in comparison.

At the end, it was sort of my decision to stop chatting with him, and it was mostly because I wanted to venture out to talk to people face to face, relatable people. I think for me, having the adoration of an older guy was nice, but unrealistic on so many levels in this situation. I'd still chat with him, but nothing more than that. No cam, nonsexual. I removed him from my friend's list, but didn't block him because I felt bad enough ignoring the guy; however, he'd pop up in chat rooms, only to hit me up when he saw me on.

I can only hope he's found someone to love him the way he wanted and needed to be loved. I applaud him for embracing his sexuality after so many years of suppressing it due to marriage. From him, I learned what future I could possibly hold if I were to do the same thing - disregarding a part of me that was important for my development, only to make others happy. For that, I'm glad I decided to come out when I did.

(Image found readily online - please direct request to remove image to

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Chef

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Chef

Screen Name: "Mr. Sugar"

ASL: Mid to late 30's / M / NC

"Mr. Sugar" was different from the other men I chatted with. He was easy to talk to, laid back, with no games, and it seemed like he enjoyed chatting with me. Our conversations were pretty light, but when we did have heavy talks, it was always about what was going on in his neck of the woods.

"Mr. Sugar" moved from his home town to live with a younger male. They were supposedly in love with each other, but once he moved in with the youngin', things sort of changed, and the love went away. Soon, it became a relationship built on convenient sex. He was once a cook, but due to back injuries he sustained, he could no longer take the pain of standing on his feet for a long  period of time.

So, he found himself in North Carolina  living with a man that didn't really love him. His only escape was spending late nights in chat rooms, camming and cumming with those willing to bust with him. We spent a lot of time talking about plans and goals we had for our individual lives. He wanted to get back to cooking, maybe owning a restaurant. I told him how I aspired to be a writer.

From him, I learned about regrets and risks. 

He took a risk moving to another town to be with a man he hardly knew, but he soon regretted it. He also shared his story about how he chose to have a full on gay threesome the night before marrying his wife. That was the most shocking thing I heard so far. Now that threesome, he did not regret. 

We've kept in touch lightly throughout the years. The last time we chatted, he lost a good bit of weight, and I think he's moved elsewhere, no longer under the roof of his young male lover. Although not as exciting as the others I've chatted with, I wanted to include him in the mix. Sometimes you just need an easy conversation.

No more, no less.

(Image credit: Kevin Dooely)

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Porn Aficionado

Screen Name: "The Porn Aficionado"

ASL: late 30's to early 40's / M / Unknown (Many Yahoo Vid sharing groups and porn forums)

It's no secret that I hoard porn. Although porn is used as an outlet for my repressed sexuality, in my early years, I used Yahoo! Messenger to chat with men who were more at ease with their sexuality and sexual expression. So long before I had over 3,000 porn vids stuffed on a hard drive, I had a user name and password that opened me up to Yahoo! Chat.

I remember scanning different chat rooms looking for someone to talk to about being gay, but I soon discovered that late night chat rooms bore home to people looking for more than discussion. So, I did what I had to do it fit in. I amped up sex talk full of lies, knowing damn well that the only person I've been sexually active with was myself. Soon, my curiosity gave way for me to learn more about the things that turned me on, and with the rise of different  Gay TGPs (Thumbnail Gallery Posts) - pornographic sites full of  thumbnail links which led different photo series of gay men in sex acts or solo sessions.

I would spend many nights scouring the Internet to get off to nude pictures of men in various settings and scenarios. Once I discovered actual videos of men having sex, I was hooked on porn, but it wasn't until I connected with one guy who literally taught me the ways of pirating porn, and to this day, I don't know if that was a good thing or bad thing.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: Intro

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs
The next few posts will be a series of stories I've appropriately entitled "Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs" - genius, isn't it? Throughout some of my posts I mentioned that I learned a lot about dealing with homosexuality through the use of Yahoo! Messenger, chatting with different men who kinda  had that "been there, done that" attitude about their experiences. 

However, as I was persistent in getting as much info as possible, some of my chat mates took to me, and provided their personal stories about coming to terms with their sexuality. To this day, I still chat with some of these men, while others no longer occupy my buddy list. At any rate, each and everyone of them allowed me to see myself through their experiences.

To be real about it, the circumstance in which I made some of these Yahoo! buddies was a combined result consisting of boredom, loneliness, and horniness. I think that's pretty justifiable since I've already talked about that in one of my past posts. Through it all, I've chatted with many guys since the age of 18, and now at the age of 27, I can say that those conversations played a part in my young gay life somehow.

These chat buddies became my connection to a world unknown to me at the time. In particular, there are approximately 8 men who stand out the most, so each post will discuss each chat buddy respectively. With each dude, I learned a lot about the male experience when it came to being closeted or open about being gay. None of these guys are the same.

Since many years have passed, my recollection of each buddy may be a little fuzzy, but I'll do the best I can.


(Image source: Pixabay)