Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Bama Boi Blues: Transparent as Hell

Bama Boi Blues: Transparent as Hell

Here at BamaBoiBlues.com, I pride myself on being as transparent as possible, so that those who read any or all my posts see that we as gay men of color have layers, each more interesting than the last. In my opinion, I've revealed more about myself in over 150 blog entries than I have to my friends, family, and lover. Don't get me wrong, although I am proud to be an open book, I'm also afraid and paranoid about it at times.

Over the years, blogging here has been my personal therapy session as well as a safe space for me to allow my often depressed thoughts roam free. Never did I think I'd be on to something possibly great with the unique essays and personal entries I post. It's hard work and it takes a lot of time. I now see the potential of my blogging platform, and although my blog hasn't put me in a comfy place of job security, I know that it will eventually get noticed.

This blog has been going 4 years strong, and it's been a rocky road, more-so due to my battles with Clinical Depression, which can hinder me from writing weeks at a time. I still come back and post because I do believe that the things I write about reaches out to at least one person who can identify with my experiences in as similar fashion.

My goal here is to show you the life of a gay black male, living in the south, who battles depression, while on a journey to betterment and self-discovery.

I will never be a James Baldwin, a Langston Hughes, an Audre Lorde, or a June Jordan. I'm not aiming to be that intellectual voice that many gay POC have grown accustomed to seeing all over Tumblr, CNN, or old Black Gay Chat forums. All I can be is myself and hope that I'm helping others in my own way. I'm my own subject matter expert at my life!

I know I can do more, but I want to think that in some way I am an activist for LGBT youth of color who deal with depression and anxiety. I'd like to think that I'm a voice to those who are afraid to unveil all their flaws without fear of judgement. I'm hoping that for those questioning where they fit within their community can come here  and see how I'm dealing with every aspect of my life.

Every layer of me is here, and it will only get more interesting. From my depression to my sexual discovery, you will find it here at BamaBoiBlues.com.


Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: Lamb of Love

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: Lamb of Love

Screen Name: "Spanish Lamb"

ASL: 22/ M/ TX

"Spanish Lamb" was one of the first guys I chatted with that fell within my age range, which was refreshing. Like me, he was sort of a hopeless romantic, dealing with the struggles of being a minority because of his race and sexuality. Yeah, it didn't sound fun being a Hispanic homosexual in Texas. He ended up having to live with his brother because his parents at the time didn't accept his choices.

We shared similar views about being gay, although he was more liberal and fluid in his sexual adventures, but that didn't mean I wouldn't gain anything from our conversations. It also didn't hurt that he was a stocky, furry bowl of cute, especially seeing him in the buff on cam. If I'm not mistaken, we only had one session, and we phoned twice before we began regularly chatting - no phone sex involved. It's hard to remember how we stopped with the phone sex of it all.

However, I do remember that he was a HUGE Mariah Carey fan. Seriously!

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: Lamb of Love
Any time he saw an opening to discuss the elusive chanteuse herself, he didn't miss a beat to quote a line from one of her top hits. It really didn't take much to dish about a dude that was stalking him online, in which Lamb would reply in his own cute way "Like, ya know, why ya so obsessed with me," or, "Ya know, you just got get up and shake it off; it's just like Mariah says..." Although at times I found his Mimi anecdotes to be a bit much for my taste, I could tell from his personality and bubbliness that he was a sweet guy.

He took it all in stride, but through his cheery giggles, I could hear the sadness.  From there, he sort of flipped the script on what we had going on. No longer was it a cam/phone pleasure fest to pacify our sexual needs, we became buddies. This wouldn't be the last time something like this would happen when it came to me chatting and connecting with guys from Yahoo! Messenger.

Both college students, we talked about the pains of trying to have a social life while going to school, all while also trying to date or get to know guys; however, he had more experience with meeting guys than I did. He even confided in me about some of his hookups, and because I was a bit of a prude (who cammed and had phone sex - really?), I often came off judgmental about his decisions, kinda serving as some sort of moral compass.

In reality, I was jealous and also tired of being triggered by the idea and importance of sex in order to make connections, friends or lovers. He called me out on it, and it didn't help that one of the guys he continued to hook up with only wanted him for sex, when he wanted more. So yeah, I felt like a judgmental jerk. With that said, "Spanish Lamb" and I became each other's sounding board.

I was there for him when he had his depressed days stressing about his family's acceptance. He was there for me that night I had planned to commit suicide. I had no one else to call while driving 90 mph on I65, hoping to run into a truck. I called him, that late night, crying and tired. He stayed on the phone with me.

He calmed me down enough and made sure I got home safely, and although he wasn't physically there to offer his shoulder to cry on, I believe he would've been, while quoting Mariah Carey's "Through The Rain".

To this day, we are still cool, even though we often don't chat, I see him doing fine on Facebook. He's still in school, working, and enjoying his now loving and accepting family. From him, I learned that there are guys out there that are sweet and kind, and they just want to be loved in more ways than physical. Sex is just the caveat to his vision of love - see what I did there? Lame, I know.

(Image credit: The Keep Calm-O-Matic, Slayriah - Tumblr)

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Feeling Better and Moving Forward

Feeling Better and Moving Forward

It took about a month for me to reintroduce the Wellbutrin into my system. During my down time, I found it best that I not try and blog or do anything that would trigger further depression, not saying that every post on this blogs depresses me.

It was a reality check. For odd reasons, I have an innate nature to completely stop taking my antidepressants at the peak moment of my mental health. I guess the thinking is that I've finally beaten depression, so to hell with those drugs. Very wrong to even think that way.

I'm better, and I'm moving forward. I spent most of my time in seclusion; however, I always had family and friends to check on me, plus my guy was always by my side in some way. I'm grateful for that.

So, I'm learning to be consistent with my antidepressant intake because without it, everything comes to an agonizing halt. Never fun, right?

Missed you all, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the emails and other messages you've sent me. It always means a lot that I have people looking out for me.


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Bare with me if you can

Hey friends,

I would like to apologize for slowly pumping out more content. As much as I'd like to push through it, I'm having a hard time with depression. It's mostly my fault because I haven't been taking my meds consistently. Words are sometimes hard to come by when describing my depression, and often find it best not to say much about it at all, that is, in my personal life.

However, I'm trying to speak up more about it because it is a serious thing. The last thing I want to do is end up another blogger who has succumb to the idea of taking my life, and I just can't go out like that. Don't worry, I'm seeking help and getting my med regulated, but it's taking time. Depression is a bitch.

You are basically battling yourself your entire life. Anyways, the blog will resume soon, but if you can, just bare with me.


Saturday, September 13, 2014

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Professor

Yahoo! Messenger Memoirs: The Professor
This is a cropped version of a risque photo found on the Internet, and by no means represents the person discussed in the following post.

Screen Name: "Sad Dad"

ASL: Late 50's to early 60's / M / OK

Seems my memories of each Yahoo! Messenger buddy is not as strong as I thought it was. I found myself going back to my old Ymail account to see if I could recover any past conversations, but I came up empty. I guess with battling demons of depression's past, I deleted all conversations. Knowing the old me, I probably didn't want any reminders of my former self, and I guess I didn't think I'd blog about any of the dudes I've chatted up in a public matter.

I can't say that any chats I've had have been bittersweet as far as my experience, but some of the stories shared with me have been. This buddy was an older white guy, which most of these chats were with older white guys, but he was probably the oldest out of the men I had conversations with. 

He was from Oklahoma, supposedly a professor at one of the state's universities. It seemed he had a pretty decent life for a middle class, old white male - the house, the kids, etc.; however, he wasn't happy. He lost his wife a few years prior to us even connecting through Chat. Although he loved her dearly, he always had an attraction to men. That being said, he never pursued or acted on his attraction until after her death.

I can imagine that years of suppressing your homosexual desires can be defeating when you're finally able to venture into learning more about yourself. To be an older male trying to pursue sexual conquests in a youth obsessed realm can be debilitating. All he had was a cam and chat rooms to browse to get off, but I think he was looking for more than just sexual thrills. He was lonely.

Home empty, kids grown, and no companion, he tried going out to different bars and clubs, but didn't have many interested in his attempts and advances, unless he had cash to spoil their young adult needs. He liked them younger from what I could tell, but still adult. Either way, I think he took to me because I took time to listen. We chatted, we cammed, but it all felt empty and weird because I knew it wasn't helping him or myself at all. Do I regret any of it? I really don't know, but I have another story that I regret more, so this encounter seems harmless in comparison.

At the end, it was sort of my decision to stop chatting with him, and it was mostly because I wanted to venture out to talk to people face to face, relatable people. I think for me, having the adoration of an older guy was nice, but unrealistic on so many levels in this situation. I'd still chat with him, but nothing more than that. No cam, nonsexual. I removed him from my friend's list, but didn't block him because I felt bad enough ignoring the guy; however, he'd pop up in chat rooms, only to hit me up when he saw me on.

I can only hope he's found someone to love him the way he wanted and needed to be loved. I applaud him for embracing his sexuality after so many years of suppressing it due to marriage. From him, I learned what future I could possibly hold if I were to do the same thing - disregarding a part of me that was important for my development, only to make others happy. For that, I'm glad I decided to come out when I did.

(Image found readily online - please direct request to remove image to info@bamaboiblues.com)