First off, I just want to say sorry for not posting like I should. One word, depression.
You know what, this depression thing is really debilitating, and it's interfering with my journey, but it's the road I chose to take.
I'll keep it brief. I've been in my feelings lately. Here are some reasons why:
- I'm damn near poor.
- I feel like nothing is happening for me, my blog, or my goals.
- I'm realizing that my bluntness can come off harshly, and when I'm called out on it, I feel like an asshole. I don't ever want to be an asshole, but I guess I have to accept that I'm an asshole.
- I feel like I'm 20 years old again when it comes to socializing. When I reach out to people, and I get no response, I take it as a personal attack, as if I did something wrong.
- I hate depression. It slows me down from doing great things, and no matter how much I want to complete goals and objectives, depression comes in and fucks up all my plans.
- I'm in sexual frustration limbo. Although I guess I've been okay with the split between me and my ex guy, I realize that I am a sexual person; however, I'm afraid to even attempt to act out on anything sexually because I still have a sad hope that me and my guy will get back together. So, if I were to do something, I'd feel like I was cheating on him. Is that stupid of me?
- I'm slightly getting those feelings I used to have when I was 20 years old where I hate being gay. And, I don't hate it because of religious reasons, I hate being gay because of gay men (i'll explain later). It's just too much psychology, machismo, ignorance, and unhappiness involved.
- I have my good days where I feel on top of the world, and then I have my bad week, where I just feel shitty. This is my bad week.
- I feel like I'm a failure, honestly. A failure and a quitter.
- What scares me is that those bad thoughts that tell me I shouldn't be here, lingers a little bit longer than I'd like. Yes, I'm taking my antidepressants, but I guess negativity doesn't care about that either. I don't plan on self harm. I don't want to self harm.
- If I feel my depression is getting worse, I plan to go back to Bama and stay for a week or two to be with my mom.
- I feel absolutely lonely, and I'm miserable, and early mornings like this, I'm overwhelmed with emotions, on the verge of tears, but I suck it up.
- What I want right now is money, security, hugs, and to be loved on really really hard right now.
- At this hour, I just don't like me right now. I'm sure once I rest a bit, and I wake up to a brand new hour, I won't feel so bad, but right now, this is how I'm feeling.
So yeah, I'm in my feelings, and I desperately want to get out of them.