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20 Random Venting Thoughts

20 Random Venting Thoughts
Depression got me like....
My mind is heavy. I'm somewhat emotional because I haven't taken my meds, and I can't sleep. I need to type these thoughts out, and I thought "since I feel like my life is somewhat of a disaster, let me put it all out there for my friends, followers, and future employers to see."

Here:

1. How did I find myself working on a particular project with my ex? The sad part is, I'd love to have more than monetary compensation for my services. Sexual frustration sucks, people.

2. I didn't know how much of a trigger male sexuality is for me. It's such a trigger, I can easily slip into a depression which makes tears well up in my eyes. Shit's that serious. 

3. Because of this, I often hate men in general for their machismo and need to "perform" gender.

4. I crave good conversation. I crave it. Sadly, I feel for every ONE time it happens, I get a slew of shitty convos and indecent requests, and it makes me feel less and less of a human being.

5. I often contemplate selling all my shit, breaking my lease, and just running away somewhere.

6. I often feel my mental and emotional instability hinder me from being greater and doing great things.

7. It still pisses me off that black LGBT bloggers do not support each other in ways they could. We should all be on the come up together, but so many blogs are focused on their own promotion, they don't think to uplift their own team mates. We are not fucking enemies or competition. We are a fucking community, and I wish a good chunk of you would understand that completely - but maybe the shade lies in the fact that I'm over here on struggle mode, while they have teams of willing writers to help bring in ad revenue - welp, get money, bitch.

8. I fear the number 37, and I wish I didn't. Either way, I often pray for a long, productive, loving life. So, hopefully, 37 is my lucky number instead. It better be, dammit. 

9. I hate that I live with depression. I just hate it. Whoever thinks people want to walk around depressed is really dumb. Sorry. They just are. What sucks is that I have been at the edge of suicide about 3 times, and I regret every moment of it. I really do want to live, but sometimes, negative thoughts screw me over.

10. I know I'm talented, I just wish others saw it and paid me for it.

11. I look forward to falling in love all over again, whether it's with someone new or my ex, but I honestly need to let both ideas go. Men are difficult, and I wish I wasn't aroused by men at times. Sorry vaginas everywhere, I still don't have it for you.

12. I've learned a lot with being in relationship with an older, indecisive male. Do better. He would have to be the one to make the necessary changes, but sadly, I doubt he ever will.

13. The Universe knew what it was doing when it made me too broke to buy alcohol. Self destruction, averted.

14. I'm glad I can be an open book, but sometimes, I wish I left certain chapters closed.

15. Recently, I became more open about myself to friends and readers, and I've been on the fence about my decisions, especially when dealing with readers. Have I gotten so vulnerable that I don't know how to handle my emotions and intuition?

16. Although I love the thrill of discovering and falling in love, I really don't want to get my heart broken again. 

17. Gay men who desperately want to be identified as masculine tops really irk the fuck outta me. Listen, I hate saying I'm masc, so I just say I'm an average guy. I don't need to prove my manhood to anyone, and I'm definitely not so fucking femaphobic that I reduce all fem men down to one sexual role - bottom. Also, dumb asses, there are a lot of men who do not enjoy anal sex anyway, so this whole "fem bottom," and these dehumanizing memes some of you fuckers put up on Twitter and Instagram need to just stop. You're still fucking around with whomever will open up to you, so cut the crap.

18. I wish I was freer sexually, being able to sleep around as I please, but because i'm not wired right, I probably would of ended my life ages ago if I were like that. I'm too fragile, honestly. I often hate that.

19. I hope my book wins several awards, gets on every best seller list, gets me rich, and shuts those up who have taken issue with the "E. Lynn Harris Complex" - femaphobes. Let me stop generalizing.

20. I want to feel happy, for once. 

BTW, it's almost 5 in the morning, and I have not yet slept, so fuck grammar and spell check.

Link Worthy Reads

Bama Boi Blues Link Worthy Reads


FKA Twigs serves in new music video. - K. Clark's Corner

It seems gay black writers possess an E. Lynn Harris Complex, and are put on notice. - Cypher Avenue

Anti-Gay Pizzeria gets shut down. - Maybe It's Just Me

Historic: For the first time, Trans women of color from around the country gather for the inaugural White House Trans Women of Color Women's History Month Briefing. - TransGriot

Good read: AIDS service organizations fail gay black men. - MUSED MAG ONLINE