Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I'm in my feelings

No struggle, no progress, right?

First off, I just want to say sorry for not posting like I should. One word, depression.

You know what, this depression thing is really debilitating, and it's interfering with my journey, but it's the road I chose to take.

I'll keep it brief. I've been in my feelings lately. Here are some reasons why:

  • I'm damn near poor.
  • I feel like nothing is happening for me, my blog, or my goals.
  • I'm realizing that my bluntness can come off harshly, and when I'm called out on it, I feel like an asshole. I don't ever want to be an asshole, but I guess I have to accept that I'm an asshole.
  • I feel like I'm 20 years old again when it comes to socializing. When I reach out to people, and I get no response, I take it as a personal attack, as if I did something wrong.
  • I hate depression. It slows me down from doing great things, and no matter how much I want to complete goals and objectives, depression comes in and fucks up all my plans.
  • I'm in sexual frustration limbo. Although I guess I've been okay with the split between me and my ex guy, I realize that I am a sexual person; however, I'm afraid to even attempt to act out on anything sexually because I still have a sad hope that me and my guy will get back together. So, if I were to do something, I'd feel like I was cheating on him. Is that stupid of me?
  • I'm slightly getting those feelings I used to have when I was 20 years old where I hate being gay. And, I don't hate it because of religious reasons, I hate being gay because of gay men (i'll explain later). It's just too much psychology, machismo, ignorance, and unhappiness involved.
  • I have my good days where I feel on top of the world, and then I have my bad week, where I just feel shitty. This is my bad week.
  • I feel like I'm a failure, honestly. A failure and a quitter.
  • What scares me is that those bad thoughts that tell me I shouldn't be here, lingers a little bit longer than I'd like. Yes, I'm taking my antidepressants, but I guess negativity doesn't care about that either. I don't plan on self harm. I don't want to self harm. 
  • If I feel my depression is getting worse, I plan to go back to Bama and stay for a week or two to be with my mom.
  • I feel absolutely lonely, and I'm miserable, and early mornings like this, I'm overwhelmed with emotions, on the verge of tears, but I suck it up.
  • What I want right now is money, security, hugs, and to be loved on really really hard right now.
  • At this hour, I just don't like me right now. I'm sure once I rest a bit, and I wake up to a brand new hour, I won't feel so bad, but right now, this is how I'm feeling.
So yeah, I'm in my feelings, and I desperately want to get out of them. 

Friday, January 16, 2015

Blogging on the fly

Blogging on the fly
Just needed a reason to use this Gif!
Been doing a lot of back and forth lately in my personal life trying to secure finances. . .still some struggle there.

On top of that, I'm still doing background maintenance on the site and myself.

I'm trying something new where I so many posts, that I can just queue them up, and let them post. That way, I won't be too tied down to my computer or tablet.

Also, my sleep pattern sucks.

So, please don't think I'm neglecting the blog at all. No way! January is usually my slow month due to reevaluation of my goals and life plans. I'm still a fresh 28 year old, and I gotta get used to it! LOL!

That's been my week pretty much.


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Bama Boi Blues: New Plans & Ideas!

Bama Boi Blues: New Plans & Ideas!

Hey Friends!

Hope all of you are doing well! This post won't be long, but I just wanted to first say thanks to all of you who've supported me since the beginning! has been going 4 years strong, and there is no slowing down now!

Last year, I decided to devote my time and words into making Bama Boi Blues an accessible, thought-provoking journey based on my life experiences. The response has varied, but overall, a lot of you have enjoyed what I have to give, and that means a lot to me!

So far, I have 180 posts under my belt, and I have many more plans and ideas for topics to discuss. Yes, there will be more social commentary, more personal stories to share, and more critical essays.

Hey, there may even be some TV show recaps . . .Yup, Bama Boi Blues will attack TV! LOL.

My Birthday just passed, and I was shown so much love, and I wish there was a way I could extend the love I have to all of you. This blog is my life, and I am so happy that you all choose to be a part of it. Sorry for the delay in posting. Must've partied too hard, ha!

Look out for more great things to come here on!

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Monday, January 5, 2015

The Worst Thing about a Breakup

You know what I hate most about breakups?

The worst thing about a break up is the coping phase you go through once it's all over.

Your normal couple routine no longer exists, and you're nowhere near ready to look for a new love, although some may try.

Although hard to do, I find it best to keep busy doing something productive, especially on those days where you would've spent most of the time with your ex.

I feel the hardest thing for me is accepting that I'm no longer someone's priority, love interest.  I'm back with myself again with no buffer to help past those lonely days.

And, at times, I still feel some type of entitlement to getting undivided attention because I was used to it for a long time. I think it was a Tumblr post where someone wrote that a relationship should be the only position where a person can demand attention from his partner without feeling shitty - or something like that; I absolutely agree!

Late night conversations talking for hours and hours and hours were nice, but no longer happen; however, you try hard to fill that void, don't you? You talk to people in the same way you used to talk and joke with your ex, and you realize that it will never replace what you once had.

Never make something out to be what you once had, I guess.

So, what do you do? How do you spend your time? Where do you go?

Friday, January 2, 2015

Taking Stock: New Year, New Me

Taking Stock: New Year, New Me

Next week I'll be turning 28 years old.

Although everyone celebrates the new year on Jan 1st, I think of it as a precursor to my official new year, which is my birthday, Jan 11th.

Sometime between Jan 1st and Jan 10th, just to get an idea of the things I need to improve to make my new year more special than the last, I take time out to sit back and take stock of my life so far.

Looking back over last year, I made a lot of moves and a lot of mistakes. Conversely, I had more good times than bad times, too. Although I have lost some money, left my job, and ended my relationship, in between those sour moments, I tried to live a little more.