Even after all these years of accepting and understanding my sexuality, I still feel completely misunderstood, and what scares me about this is that I don't feel that I ever will be understood.
Here I was thinking that coming out of the closet would make me feel like a freer individual, but what I've realized is that it has only made me feel more alone.
Those I used to love devotedly, still held fear in their heart, not able to accept their sexuality. So, as I progressed in my acceptance, they slowly backed away, leaving me feeling all by myself again.
There's no way for me to hop back into discretion; that was a tough spot to leave already, and I don't want to go back in order to feel loved and appreciated.
I am still hurting, and I just want all this hurt, anger, and sadness to go away. I don't feel like I'm enough to anyone, and I wonder if I ever will be.
Broken is the best way to describe how I've been feeling for quite sometime, and although others msy revel in their contentment, as they accept their closeted/discreet lifestyle, I am forever on the outside looking in, and it's not fair at all. Why can't I win?
I loved so hard, and still, nothing. It's a cruel joke, and I'm tired. I'm so fucking tired.
Disappointments left and right, and I continue to feel like an outcast among outcasts.
I used to fear dying young. Now, I fear that I will never be happy or feel fulfilled in love or in life.
It's been 7 months since I've been physically intimate with a guy.
7 months ago, I was in a relationship. Since the end of that relationship, I haven't had much desire to be as passionate or as physical as I'd like. The love is still there for my ex; however, I'd be stupid to feel like there's a chance for me to hop his bones when he least expects it. I hate myself for feeling this way.
However, as the months creep on by, I find myself becoming more and more thirsty for male body parts to grope. Every waking moment, I think about how my lips should be touching another guy's lips. I toss and turn at night, wishing I had someone to toss and turn with, and then I wonder, has my thirst gotten too real?
Downside to my thirst is that I'm becoming more aware of how lonely I feel. You see, for some bachelors in their 20's this would be a golden time to go out, wild out, hump and rump those willing and able to play because, you know, there's no longer a moral obligation of fidelity to your bae.
Welp, for a young, black gay male that's low-key emotionally unstable, where SEX is a mental and emotional trigger, it's not that easy to feel liberated enough to traverse these ATL streets for guys to play around with, especially when you still have love/anger feelings towards an ex that only lives 10 minutes away.
You see the problems? Can you count the struggles?
I'm just not that guy. I'm not a Casanova. I'm not a flirt. I limit myself to any potential play partners by being mean. My early 20's were full of hurt feelings, suicidal thoughts, alcoholism, and self hatred. I didn't feel like a hot piece of glittery sex. What's scaring me is that I feel like I'm slumping back into the position of feeling undesirable, and even if I felt desirable, it's not like I'd act on anything or anyone. An interested guy would have to initiate the engagement.
You know what's even sadder is that I fear my ex will move on before I do, or he probably has moved on. The fuck I know. Just the thought of him being intimate with another person, especially if it's a guy, still kills me inside a little each time it crosses my mind. At the end of it all, I just feel completely vulnerable, while trying to remain guarded, and it's exhausting. For those who say, just go out and have fun, for me, it's not that easy. I think too much. Way too much.
However, the sexual frustration has become too great, but at the same time, I can't see myself trying to search for sexual gratification, although I've put out a low-key ABP for emotional attention, but that's another story. It's a fucked up spot to be in. On top of that, I just feel completely lonely. I can't say that I feel cute enough to thirst trap, and even if I'm going o thirst trap, who want to get it from me? I'm sliding back down to a place of low self esteem, which in turn makes me bitter in defense. More entries about my thirst struggles will follow during my dry spell. Just stay tuned.
Bama Boi Blues is Sexless in the City.
Family, what do I do? How did you manage when the thirst got too real?
So much has been going on as of late, and I don't know where to begin. I guess it's good that things have been happening, but the only downside is that I have not had the time or energy to write or promote my blogs. To think, I used to be a champion multitasker. Now, all I want to do is take naps, catch up on YouTube videos, and drink ginger ale.
Eh, what I'm learning is to continue putting my best work forward, and hope for the best in the process. I know I was a bowl of stress, but I'm beginning to adapt a more calm demeanor. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm all full of zen-like peace. Far from it. I'm just trying to do better with myself.
Oh, but I'm still an emotional and mental mess. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't.
Nonetheless, this is my typical "sorry I haven't written in a while" post. I need to create a category for these sort of posts because they've come up before, but hell, I'm human. New posts will be on its way eventually, hopefully sooner than later. Let the transparency and big reveals begin!
Seriously though, I've missed you all. Much love to every one of you!
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