Monday, December 17, 2012

They don't call it "the meantime" for nothing.

They don't call it "the meantime" for nothing
Graphic by Nicolas Raymond
So, here I am.

All me.

All by myself. Dealing with it.

And as much as I didn't want to deal with it, it needed to happen.

My heart is broken, my body is numb to everything, and although it's best that I not see you for a while, I feel like I've lost my best friend. The love was there, but the intentions were off.

I want to speed to recovery, but that is not reality. The expectation is to be over and done with this situation by next week, but the reality is that more than likely, it may take months to get over it. So now, I become the lyrics to Erykah Badu songs, a recovering undercover over-lover. My eyes are brown because I eat a lot of chocolate, which has nothing to do with my insecurities as to what you could be doing while we're away from each other. But, I wish I could've gotten a goodbye kiss, a hug, a grope, a moan, something sexual to release pent up aggression and anger towards you, but I'm tired of making desperate pleas for affection and attention.

You broke my heart better than any enemy ever could. Your kindness exposed my weakness and played on my optimism. Used my hopes as ammunition for you friendly fire. . . right in the chest. All I can say is that I did my best. So now, I become the lyrics to Lauryn Hill songs because I want you around; however, I have to find peace of mind to get through this without you. Your selfishness trumped my selflessness, and I finally had to realize that our season may be up. It's okay. I know I played an integral part in your development as you did in mine.

What I hate about it is that I'm tired of being given something only for it to be taken back. So, I need to be slightly selfish and focus on myself, but it's going to take a while. They don't call it "the meantime" for nothing. I have to get from this point of my life to next level of great possibilities, but it will take some time to heal, and it's going to be a little mean to me, time that is. The downtime will serve its purpose.

With each day, week, month, and maybe year, I'll still miss you, but I need to grieve and let go any hopes of us going back to the way we used to be since you're stubborn in your ways, but you can't have me in a position to where I can't grow while you can. It's not fair. You showed me who you were, and I finally believed you. The love is still there, but the remainder of it will be used for me.

4 comments:

  1. This is good stuff, albeit it painful for you. But many of us have been there so we know. But on a different note, love this stream of consciousness writing.

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  2. Thank y'all for the comments. After I wrote this entry, I didn't really want to come back to it, but each day gets better. Do I miss him, definitely! But, life will take its course, and things will work out for the better.

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