I check my phone everyday hoping that he sends me another message. I refresh my Gmail accounts, constantly hoping to see a new email from him, but what could he possibly say?
Love shouldn't be this confusing.
I tell myself that he should fight harder, but it shouldn't be forced. He says he'd give up many things to pursue a relationship with me. I ask myself if he's worth it, to listen to what could probably be bullshit. He just doesn't know what to do. I just want this to all stop.
It took me 3 times for to finally follow my mind and break away from his confusion. My heart wanted to hang in there, but my mind finally won.
Every time I think about our past conversations about being intimate with other men, I cry because we didn't get to the level of intimacy that I had hoped for. Something that took two years of building trust with him to go there....he says he respected me too much to go that far, but I guess our other forms of intimacy suited him just fine.
My mind understood, but my heart continued to crack before breaking completely. It wasn't his intentions to hurt me. Doesn't matter because it hurts either way.
Like the typical love story, I was right to fight for love, he just wasn't the one to be fighting for....I suppose. Because if he really wanted to go the extra mile, he would've. He's an enigma.
I want to be in love with a man who is sure of himself mentally, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. Maturity is a must. Yeah, I miss my buddy/first real love, but coexisting right now hurts because we won't go back to the way things used to be, this is what he told me, yet he misses me dearly.
So at times, I feel like I was used. No matter the case, I gave myself permission to feel these emotions I've been avoiding for years. Because of him, I know how to love. And he loved me for me, so rare.
I sit here on my friend's couch, typing this blog out on my phone. The new year approaches, and I will bring it in without him. I may cry, I may laugh, I may just sit in silence while I drink a potent libation. I know that i'll get the answers I need once I'm in the right mindset to receive them.
The goal, now, is to work on myself for the better. And based on my progress, I'll attract the right guy, although I wish he'd fight for our love. So, as the new year comes, following my birthday, I will proudly tattoo my 2nd mantra across my chest, which will serve as a disclaimer for those I deem worthy to see it....
"Love me right, or don't love me at all."