How are you gay if you don't have "gay sex"? Pt. 1

2:27 PM Kevin T 24 Comments

Although the following entry has been sitting in the drafts portion of my blog for about two years, I couldn't find the right time to delve into it until now. Inspired by heartbreak and this MUSED MAG article, here you go:

So, I was asked a question that I've wanted asked of me since creating this blog and establishing my Twitter/Facebook page. I anticipated how I'd feel after being asked this question after years of asking myself. Out of many instances where I've defended my sexuality, this topic is when I really do own my homosexuality, even though others may not consider me to be what I know I am.

The question: "How do you know if you're gay if you've never fucked had anal sex?
How are you gay if you don't have "gay sex" Pt. 1

My response: ". . . Really?"

I am gay. I wouldn't take this time out to talk about all my moments of self discovery involving my sexuality if I wasn't gay. I wouldn't chronicle all the feelings that I've had, each post about growing into my homosexuality, only to discredit myself by just pulling all of this info out of the air. I am gay, I like men; however, it seems that I may not be considered gay based on the fact that I don't engage in penetrative sex. Again, I DO NOT ENGAGE IN PENETRATIVE SEX at this time! I didn't know that plugging a guy's ass or being plugged made me "officially gay". I thought I'd be cool being asked the question, ready to drop my science on those curious souls, but it didn't pan out that way. I was lost for words, then my mind wandered back to my early years when I thought that my attractions were just a phase in time.

One of the reasons I wanted to write this blog was to discuss certain topics that are only washed over by trolling comments on gay forums. When the topic arises about gay sex, there's probably one guy that mentions that he doesn't engage in anal, and then he is grilled about his sexuality. To quote my fellow blogger of Maybe it's just me, that's completely ridic! I feel that It's the oddest thing to question a gay male about his sexuality just because he has not had what the gay mainstream considers to be sex. This is going to be a long post, kids, so hold tight.

I think of it like a very high school double standard special. You mean I have to just go porno crazy on a guy to prove my homosexuality? And if I'm asked if I suck dick partake in oral sex one more damn time, someone will be getting slapped...just venting. Either way, if I'm asked any of these questions in first conversations with anyone, I'm completely turned off of continuing further conversation because it's a random topic that comes up when not conversing about sex.

So, what is "gay sex"? For many, the on-spot answer is straight up penetrative sex. To that, my friends, I completely disagree. Firstly, everyone has their own interpretation of sex. So, what you may consider sex, may not be what I consider sex because sex comes in different forms under two umbrellas: penetrative and non-penetrative. If there's another umbrella, use it to shade yourselves and not me because this whole topic is a slippery slope. The issue of sex also affects some to the point of questioning their virginal status, and trust me, I've been there. Now, we can say that you may not be a virgin in one aspect of sex, but you are in another. I say that whatever sexual activity you do with another or others, you're not a virgin in my eyes. However, no matter what I may feel, the masses will still conclude that you are not gay and just a virgin if you have not gotten down and dirty in an ass.

Please check out that article above, and read my comment. Based on my comment. I hope it sheds some light on my take on sex. I'll continue my discussion/rant in Part 2 (been a while since I've done a two-parter), which will focus on the aspect of sex I'm familiar with, which is non-penetrative/intercrual sex. Plus, I may go in on some situations and people. Not out of anger, but out of low-key disappointment. And you tell me? What do you consider sex? I'd like to know.


Lee PJ said...

Nice post. The fact that someone questions your sexuality because you have not had intercourse is absurd, and it feeds into the worst misconceptions that heterosexuals have about us. Heterosexual haters (and even some allies) have reduced being same-gender loving to nothing more than sex. When mant preachers rail against gays they usually reference the sex. Heterosexuals who think gays are vile usually are repulsed by the thought of gay sex. But if you were to shift their thoughts to non-sex aspects such as love, companionship, equality, they are less repulsed if at all.

Also, the logical foolishness here is that supposed that you could not have intercourse - either at all or never again. Does that mean one is no longer gay!?!? That is simple thinking. Sexuality is more than sex. But you know that already ... :-)

Bama Boi said...

Thank you, thank you, and thank you!

Frazer said...

I fall into the category of the gay guy that doesn't like Anal or Oral sex for that matter, i am into frot and i know many other frotters would say that frot is a way you can have sex with a guy, but many guys i have spoken to say to me how can you be gay if you haven't had (anal) sex, i think this comment is absurd and doesn't do ourselves any favours, I have recently experimented on some gay sites by saying that im only into frot and gauging the reaction, some say that your not gay until you've had anal or im maintaining celibacy, ive also heard some things like people have only known they are gay after they had anal, which is also ridiculous because i knew i liked males from a very early age, it wasn't sex that defined that is was the male to male companionship that defined it but frot completed it.

Bama Boi said...

It really is absurd to think that anal sex is the certifiable way of knowing one's true sexuality, and because of this mainstream view, there are a lot of males who may feel like they will never be accepted as same-gender-loving male that only enjoys mutual stimulation and non-penetrative sex. It's funny how taboo it is, or how those forms of sexual gratification are only seen has foreplay, which is cool, but it's more to that. The connection is often greater. I appreciate your reply.

K. Clark said...

Good post. While I have "done the do," it wasn't as if I thought I wasn't "really gay" before I did anything sexual with a guy. Straight folks aren't asexual when they're virgins, so why should it be any different for us?

Anonymous said...

Being a guy who likes guys but has no interest in plugging an arse is called "g0y" -spelled w. a zer0. G00GLE g0y for a ton on info (and BTW: G0YS don't conider themselves "GAY" for this very reason --because the very word "gAy" generally implies an ArsePounder and g0ys completely reject such debasing stereotypes. G0YS: It's why regular guys everywhere are breathing a deep sigh of relief.

phonebator said...

It would never enter my mind to think that only penetrative anal sex is what makes one gay!! If I had never had anal sex, never sucked a dick, never kissed a man, never jacked a mans dick, guess what? I would still be gay!!

Bama Boi said...

I knew it wouldn't take long for someone to bring up the term "g0y". I'm fully aware of the term and what goes behind the idea of it. This thought, not saying it's wrong, is just another possible absurdity just from the perspective of a person who genuinely doesn't like anal, and that's cool, but no matter how you slice it, if you predominantly like being with men in any form of sexual activity, in my opinion, you're homosexual, bi, if you still enjoy activity with females. Yes, there will always be a slippery slope when it comes to those guys who only enjoy male bonding via circle jerks and hand jobs; however, anything beyond that, let's just come to grips with truth. Respectfully. For ME, I identify as a gay male, not "g0y", not bi-curious, not confused, etc. I am a gay male with no hangups about my masculinity. I respect whatever feelings a person has that gives them a sigh of relief about their sexuality, as long as it's not harming anyone. If you identify as "g0y", but that.

The rabbit hole gets deeper and deeper if we continue to define sexuality overall. Whomever you are intimate with in anyway, that's what works for you. To some, anal sex is empowering for both parties. It's considered a deep connection just as those who frot with one another. Some are proud of their skills in bottoming and topping. It's all interesting and sexy for all who enjoy it. But some do not like it; however, they still identify as homosexual because their love and attraction for men are that great.

We deal with enough of trying to be placed in these different labels and categories. The only labels I speak of are in terms of the type of sex that can be had, penetrative and non-penetrative. Both should cover an array of sexual activities. From those activities, whomever you choose to engage in these activities is completely on you, and based on how you feel about intimacy and sexuality.

There's just not one flavor. It's diverse for a reason, so I respect everything "g0y", i respect everything hetero, I respect everything gay, I respect everything asexual, bisexual, and solosexual, but it's the negative mindsets and the "me against them" attitude that we allow to define us. Human Sexuality is very complex, and that's really all I can say. I'm just a gay male that engages in non-penetrative situation for the time being; however, I'm not opposed to engaging in penetrative with the right partner.

Anonymous said...

Whilst i have as must respect for Gay people as well as G0y people I feel that these groups are stigmaizing the very people they should be supporting, there are many gay people who take part in anal sex but dont want to, if g0y people want them to join their club they are currently not making it very welcome for them to join. This g0y gay thing is pideon holing people and very phobic, everyone is different lets respect those differences and individuals should not expect others to change their behaviour just because they dont like it.

Bama Boi said...

Exactly. That's what it's really all about, respecting each others' differences and not ostracizing or debasing anyone to some type of standard held by the majority. We are all different. Thank you for your comment.

Bama Boi said...


Anonymous said...

Anon above wrote at 6:15P: "...there are many gay people who take part in anal sex but dont want to, if g0y people want them to join their club they are currently not making it very welcome for them to join."

Actually, -g0ys are VERY welcoming to such men as many on the g0ys main site have written testimonies to the effect of. G0YS -spelled w. a zer0. G00GLE 'em!

Anonymous said...

That would be correct if the "GAY-male community" itself used the same definition of "GAY" as was the ORIGINAL. Butt, they don't.
'When people began to use the term "GAY", it primarily meant "Same-Sex-Attracted". G0YS have no issue with that original, simple meaning. However, over time, -the term has taken on lots of ASSociated-baggage as a result of stigmas from stereotypes - many aggressively & shamelessly promoted in the "GAY MALE COMMUNITY" itself.

It is one thing to be slurred by "outsiders"; -- However, the bulk of Gay-male stigmas are promoted as "gay-culture" from within the "gay-male demographic". When a group declares itself "anathema", what appeal to "tolerance" remains? None!

The current general use of the term now brings a series of images to people's minds that actually have nothing to do with simple SameSex attractions (but are now inseparably welded to the word in the public psyche). The use has become so distorted over time -that saying "gay-sex" is now generally presumed as synonymous w. "anal-sex" (even the mass-media regularly interchanges the two). Not only does the "GAY COMMUNITY" seem "ok" with that stereotype, but heavily promotes it -& many others just as debased.

As a result, G0YS find the current use of the term "GAY" to be vulgar, & acutely repugnant to our ethos. Our disrespect of the term reflects our feelings about the contemporary implications (implied stigmas/stereotypes); -not a disdain for the original (simplistic) use. Please bear this in mind whenever you see any g0y commentary critical of "GAY".'
- G0YS Founder

Bama Boi said...

Thank you for breaking it down. I understand from my personal experience coming up, and honestly, I've read up on G0y culture and what it stands for, and I completely understand both sides. I come from the stand point of an outsider who's trying to find his way. When I was 19, I honestly felt alienated because I wasn't like the other guys I involved myself with.

I was looking for understanding of myself, but I knew that I was gay. However, I was somewhat looked at as an oddity because for one, I really didn't express much interest in the act of anal sex, mostly because a lot of guys just wanted sex in general, and I knew that wasn't something I could easily give based on my chivalrous ideas.

Secondly, I was nervous and unsure of what "position" I would fit. I was always asked whether I was a top or bottom, and at that time in my life, it was easier for me to claim Versatile, even though I had done none of the sort. That's when I began to question myself and my virtue.

Thirdly, I didn't love myself enough to accept me as I was. I was a guy who loved men and wanted to sexually interact with them, but not full-on anal because it wasn't something I was ready for. I then grew comfortable with myself because I knew it was something I wanted to try, but with the right person, so I accepted my position as a guy who loved mutual masturbation with another.

As the years past, I did more research, learned more about myself, I discovered other alternatives to sex, even from looking at the G0y website. The first time I truly engaged in frottage was with a guy who I built a relationship with. Everything was great, but for me, I still wanted to know about other avenues of sex, so I built up trust with him. It just didn't work out that way for now.

From age 19 to 23, I felt like I would never connect with a male on an intimate level, other than masturbatory play dates, but the past two years changed because of non-penetrative sex, AND the love grew, so I became comfortable with exploring other avenues. I may be going in circles right now, but I completely understand both positions.

This is really to reach out to those guys that may not feel like they have an identity whatsoever. The fact that this dialogue has opened for all of us to share our stories and opinions will help some guy out there find his way and his truth whatever it may be.

Human Sexuality is an amazing thing. Thank you, thank, you, thank you all for this.

Bama Boi said...

And I agree that you are welcoming. You took a step in putting the other alternative out there for men to research. Through all this dialogue, it seems that somewhere down the line just identifying as a gay male has been jumbled in many ways, that it has somewhat become a dirty word for some people because of mainstream beliefs, criticism, and depictions of what it means to be gay.

MARK CLARK said...

Sex is just the act, being gay is SO much more than sex.

Bama Boi said...

Much, much more

The idea that anal sex "validates" how gay a man is, is so stupid! Every man that chose to have anal sex for the very first time would have to be gay before they would even consider anal sex. Being gay is simply about the profound emotional feelings that one male has for other males. Whatever actions a person chooses as a result of those feelings, is a personal choice.

The idea that anal sex validates a man's gayness is so stupid. The majority of men that choose to have anal sex made that choice because they were gay in the first place. It does not work the other way around. Men don't have anal sex unintentionally, then realize, "oh, I'm gay".

Being gay is about the profound emotional feelings that a male has for other males. What acts a man chooses as a result of those feelings, is a personal choice. My advise to you is to not give this notion or any other ridiculous notion any of you time or energy.

Bama Boi said...

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Bama Boi said...

Yeah, I was kind of done after a Facebook comment I received. Thank you for responding. Much love to you and all.

Wonder Man said...

There is so much here. I may use this as a jump off to talk about my views on sex and sexuality

Bama Boi said...

Look forward to reading about it!

Bama Boi said...


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