How are you gay if you don't have gay sex? Pt. 2

Sunday, January 06, 2013 Kevin T 9 Comments

Continued from previous post 

The rest of this entry is dedicated to the Frottage Community, Solosexuals, and those souls who chose to engage in uninhibited sex with complete strangers, but when it came to someone they loved, shit got too real, so they chose to only engage in non-penetrative sex out of fear and respect of that loved one, then altogether proclaimed celibacy a day after one last go'round unbeknownst to the loved individual for which that would be the last time, if ever, that they'd get it in with one another (I still call bullshit on you, nigga, but love you anyways). Like for real, dude, that shit still hurts....sorry.
How are you gay if you don't have "gay sex"? Pt. 2

So, I hope you've read Pt. 1 of this topic. Click the link above if you haven't. I also hope that you read the MUSED MAG article, especially the comment I made, which I think basically explains my stance on what is considered sex. If you haven't read it, here's a chunk of my comment to get the ball rolling:

"I have not engaged in anal, but I do engage in intercrural (non-penetrative) sex, e.g., frottage and grinding, because stimulation can be had to the point of orgasm. Also, Oral sex is considered sex, so it all depends on what your view of sex is in regards to being a virgin. I don't consider myself to be a virgin based on my experiences even though I haven't had anal, but based on my experiences, doesn't mean I have no clue about sex. I'm experienced in my form of stimulation, and believe it or not, there is a small community of men who do not prefer anal sex in any way. Some are happy with mutual masturbation, oral, and non-penetrative sex for various reasons. Some do not want to feel like they have to fulfill a "role" in the bedroom. Others feel that other forms of sex other than anal places both parties on common ground. Overall, you have to do what's best for you, and if someone really does care about you, they would be willing to experiment with other pleasurable alternatives, but it takes work because people have different mindsets on the subject of intimacy."
Seriously, I don't think there's anything else I can really add, except that the same comment applies to my sexuality. Whatever logic you have on the matter, I know that I love men. I'm sexually attracted to men, and although I've never had sex with a woman, I'm gay because I don't want to have sex with a woman. To question a person's sexuality because of what they haven't done is just a blow to any young gay male trying to find his place in the world. At the age of 19 to my early 20's, I second guessed myself because of this very topic. All guys I encountered asked me of my sexual positions, to which I'd reply that I've neither topped or bottomed, and at that time in my life, I was made to feel like an odd ball, so the subject became some sort of trigger.

To repeat, I am a gay male that is not a virgin in my eyes. Could I have engaged in anal, yeah. Did I want to in my early years, no. I'm old school when it comes to intimacy, and I've grown to accept it. If I get to a point where I want to get it in and give it up in that way, it'll have to be with someone I truly trust, and preferably love.

I almost got there, but it didn't work out, and it broke my heart because I spent two years of building trust with someone I truly loved, only to get a decent answer as to why we couldn't and shouldn't go that extra step...out of respect for me because the person I loved fully understood the difference between sex and intimacy...because of me. 

I still get emotional about it; however, logically, it was probably best that we didn't because we are at a standstill, and I'd probably be more distraught that I went the next step in topping/bottoming, only for a relationship to still fail. Yet, the negative thought that continued  to bother me was that the guy had all his trysts that he openly and honestly told me about (claiming he didn't enjoy 90% of it, BUT still did it), and we had our hours of body exploration, non-penetrative love fest, which was great, but...I'll leave it alone for now.

On to the subject of non-penetrative stimulation. It's a good experience (reference long quote above). Believe it or not, there's a small, yet growing community of same gender loving men who prefer it over anal. If you're one of those guys that do not enjoy penetrative or have yet to experience it to know if you want to top or bottom, don't feel bad about it. Don't beat yourself up in anyway because you are not alone. Do not allow anyone to pressure you into doing something you are unsure about, especially if you know you're not ready. Non-penetrative sex is a great alternative. 
How are you gay if you don't have "gay sex"? Pt. 2

Some may think of it as extended foreplay, but it can be sex. Both participants can achieve orgasm in many ways and many positions (NSFW!!!). And as with any form of intimacy, it's usually better with someone you love because the connection is much greater, but if you want to have multiple partners, that's up to you. Are there still risks of engaging in non-penetrative sex, yes, but minor, BUT still use caution. The frottage community seems to be cool.

The only thing that turns me off about the frot community is the utter thirstiness that accompanies a good bit of participants. Due to the rarity of men who actually express interest in said activity, I understand the excitement and eagerness to engage with different males who express interest in the act; however, there are still health risks that accompany any form of sexual activity, whether penetrative or non-penetrative. It's kind of like searching for the last man on earth. 

Once that guy is discovered, the eagerness to get to him is quite high. I don't know, but I've been a part of different online groups, and it's very hungry for a good grind, which is understandable, but I do wish that it was handled with a bit more finesse at times, but that's just my opinion. And people will always have their preferences and hangups. 

In conclusion, how I treat intimacy/sex with another male doesn't make me less or more than anyone else who treats intimacy/sex differently. The overall goal is to get your rocks off, I suppose, but to look at someone differently because they haven't done the same things you've done just yet, or if ever, doesn't help the situation, unless you're coming from a place of learning and understanding. 

Will I ever do the do? Hell if I know at this point, but I know that I want it to be mutual trust and understanding between I and the partner of my choice, and most preferably much much love. So, how am I gay if I've never had sex? I have had sex, just not the mainstream view of it, and whether I have or haven't, I love everything about a man in a way that goes beyond friendly. I am who I am.

(Illustration by Bone Sutra NSFW)


  1. This whole issue reminds me of an episode of American Dad in which Stand decides that in order for him to speak at the RNC he has to be gay. So he decides the way to be gay is to have sex with a man. He tries but never can make himself follow through. He realizes that sex does not make you gay. For instance, what about the heterosexual prisoners who have sex with men. Are they gay? This whole obsession with having a certain kind of sex to "validate" whether you are gay or not is sophomoric and simple.

    1. Where does one find such a calm, clear minded thinker? Holyokehumer

  2. This is such a fascinating topic, and poignant because as gays we obsess over definitions. Accepting the term "gay" or "queer" and everything that comes with it brings a host of questions, troubles, thoughts about identity. Looking at the physical act of sex (in its many forms) is yet the most basic. Homosexuality for so many people can be simply reduced anal sex between two men, and it is as damaging as it is nullifying to see it as such.

    I always enjoy reading your blogs! Always jumping into subjects that our more mainstream brothers stick a toe into. You've inspired me to restart my own writing.

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting it. I say it all the time to commenters, but it really does mean a lot to me. I can't say thank you enough. Hopefully the dialogue will continue because it's definitely needed.


  3. Great pieces man.
    You touched on an important subject that I can really relate too.
    One of the biggest steps in becoming a gay/bi man is the dropping of a large
    part of your heterosexual identity. I mean you spend what seems like the first two decades(for some men double that) of your life building up an identity. Then when you come to with your sexuality, you are pretty much expected to give a portion of that up.

    For some men that's too much. It would leave a hole in their subconscious too big for them to function properly. So they make sure that door don't open. I mean many men have no problem admitting they are into other men sexually. However, they hate the fact that they have to drop a big part of their luggage and pick up some new bag. I don't think men should have to, but shit, that's the world we live in. The word Gay is somewhat of a package deal. That's why I think that anything that helps diversify the homosexual identity is a great thing. New options will stretch things on all sides so hopefully later down the line they will come up with something fresher. But still, those lines are meaning less and less every day.

    What I realized is even gay men have those same identity hang-ups. They adjusted into this new gay identity and suddenly here comes you or me or y or z guy. We say something that challenges it, so they break it with a dismissal, or by trying to invalidate you. It was that realization that made me make sure to never force my ideas on other people. I simply put it out there to be received.

    Unfortunately, for some that ain't enough either. Some even intentionally go to where you are to start some shit. They don't understand that new options wont remove their old ones.
    But hey... not much you can do about that. And I can't complain now, because I/we get a growing amount of silent support from men who itch for a shift too.

    Also liked what "Unknown " said.
    The key words used by people is "it's not natural" is code for saying "Anal sex is gross" I know plenty who will give me shit for saying that, but it is what it is. The other one they use is the "sex is for procreation" statement. Nope. Sex is also a bonding mechanism to strengthen relationships between two people( who aren't related.)

    Two cavemen who like to kiss each other in a lion filled jungle are still stronger than one caveman, right?

    Why do women over 50 still have sex? Why does like 95% of sex never lead to conception? We evolved past being fish a good while ago. Also glad your brought up the thirstiness part up. Sweet Lord. It's serious out there. I've seen it in action. I know where it comes from, so I usually react by ignoring it. Though the thirst among gay men in general is just as bad. Again, great pieces man.

    1. THIS COMMENT>>> " We say something that challenges it, so they break it with a dismissal, or by trying to invalidate you. It was that realization that made me make sure to never force my ideas on other people. I simply put it out there to be received."<<<

      Very well said, my friend. This comment within itself is a blog entry. It's a matter of respecting our differences within our community because it seems that although we're all about not adapting to the heterosexual archetype, it seems that some of us have developed this standard of homosexuality, or what's thought to be homosexual, and some of us don't fit within it.

      Even those within the community of people who don't want to partake in penetrative sex in any way, there seems to be a standard there as well. My post is coming from a perspective of a gay male who currently doesn't partake in penetrative sex by choice; however, he is not opposed to trying it out with someone he trusts.

      Someone made a comment in a Facebook page that it was a "shame" that I felt that way because I actually would entertain the idea of going for anal, whether topping or bottoming. This comment came from someone of who identifies as "g0y". I'm not sure if he meant disrespect in any way, but it's the tone in which the comments were written that made me wonder that no matter what, I will not fit the standards of anyone except my own.

      I'm not deluded and I don't need anyone's pity. I've managed my sex life just fine since the age of 19, with its ups and downs. As long as I know what I want, I don't need anyone's approval or acceptance of any group. I've already accepting feeling like an outcast among a group of outcasts because I don't fit a certain mold. I'm me, and that's the most beautiful thing I can be. It all boils down to respecting each and everyone's differences. As a community we should grow together and open up to these differences. We should be the harbingers of sexuality because we don't run the lines of the "norm". Why be so highfalutin when it comes to what one does in the bedroom and how one defines his sexuality, which are two separate things?

      A friend of mine commented on the other post saying that sex (in whatever form) is an act, sexuality is much much more. I love gay men, and it's my choice in how I want to express my sexuality intimately with a willing partner, with no shame. Validation is not needed.

  4. Validation is not needed, but it is deserved. I hope that you are validating yourself through all this. I "worry" when I read that you feel outcast among outcasts. Self worth comes within ourselves. I hope that you can feel can you are one of the enlightened ones among so many ignorant ones, they don't have the power to cast you out. I'm going to try and post this and if successful will return to write a few more observations if I may.

  5. Regarding anal sex, labeling oneself or others as tops or bottoms, active or passive, I always ask if there is such a thing as an active or passive orgasm, (orgasms are orgasms). Do they think the orgasm of a "top" is different than that of a "bottom"? And the fact that orgasms happen between your ears, you don't have them without your brain being engaged frees me to honor any and all my feelings. From what I read of your thoughts about anal sex, you prefer not to participate... at this time, period. So be it. I wasn't comfortable with "french kissing", although eventually with the right partners that changed. I still don't like a tongue in my ear. I had many many thoughts about anal sex when still a "virgin" but having it define me wasn't among them. And again, different partners, different relationships, and my own changing attitudes and experiences, it has all evolved over time. Can you be "gay" while being a virgin? No one applies that kind of labeling to heterosexuals. So why would anyone one question a gay guy about his "sexuality" if he hasn't had anal sex? Or cause someone to question themselves? I admire you for being true to yourself and having the balls to write about it. The use of all the labels is like a kind of short hand or code for having a conversation and not much else. Knowing what you are feeling, accepting it, acting or not acting on it, that is all that is really important. One "formula" that has stood the test of time for me, the greatest pleasure is to give pleasure, especially to the beloved, and the pleasures of sexual intimacy are incredibly profound. Learning to allow someone else to give you pleasure is connected to allowing yourself to give yourself pleasure. When passion, and making love, and having great sex are all there together at the same time? I think at that point wether it is two men, two women, or a man or a woman doesn't even matter, let alone "positions". Labels become meaningless.