Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Nativity of Naivete (Lecture 1 - Intro)

Nativity of Naivete (Lecture 1 - Intro)


Throughout my daily duties and chores, at times I find myself going through fits of nonsensical rambling. It happens at times when I find myself engulfed in unbearable silence. Self reflection settles in, and I begin to have conversations or lectures with myself on all the things I've learned or would like to learn as I progress in becoming a better person. 

As I wash dishes, or tidy up my apartment, or even dry off from showering, I engage in these self lectures to ground myself in reality. I'm always trying to make sense of so many things because I refuse to accept that some areas of our lives and behaviors have no point, rhyme, or reason to them. In my opinion, there's always a source to the problem, and therefore some sort of solution. So, I ramble about everything that comes to my mind, especially anything that has triggered a strong emotion. What happens is that I get so rooted in these talks with myself, I either come out of my convo-trance-like state either angry, sad, or indifferent, but oddly enough, it's comforting.

A few weeks ago, I got wrapped up in reading so many blogs, perusing Facebook comments from groups, watching different videos, scanning Twitter replies, allowing Tumblr social justice blogs to consume my emotions to a point I had to break away from it. I guess I overloaded myself with enough triggers to retreat. So, silence got the best of me, and I began to talk out everything that bothered me. It got to a point where I updated my status on my BamaBoiBlues Facebook page to voice my concern.

I am still naive. That 19 year old boy still resides inside, and he hasn't caught up with my experiences because he is still processing the whirlwind he threw himself in those many years ago when he finally decided to "learn" about himself. As I type this, I can accept that I'm a mess, and I try and work on being less of a mess each and every day. Some days are easy while others are tough. I never thought that describing myself as an average, young, black, Southern male who just so happens to be gay would possess such severe layers that I've just begun to unfold since the inception of this blog.

Id - Ego - Superego

I'm hopefully on to something, but I just don't know what it is, and how to get there. The next post or few posts may not make any sense whatsoever, but I'd rather put it down for others to read instead of me walking around my apartment saying these things to myself. Call me crazy if you want; I just think I'm too aware to the point of holding myself hostage in some form. I'm taking what conclusions I've drawn based on my experiences and opinions, and I'm allowing these findings to narrate.

2 comments:

iama{GAY}tkeeper said...

Do you meditate or anything close to that?

Lee PJ said...

I feel you. That is all I can say. #reflecting