October is a special month for me. It was this month, 5 years ago, when I began exploring my same sex attraction. I was a 19 year old college sophomore, living at home with my parents. I had no active social life. I was a homebody who sought solace through late night YIM chats with different men. Many of these men were sexually repressed for whatever reason imaginable.
Of course, they were gay, or bi, or curious, but however you sliced it, they fancied sexual interaction with males. They served as my looking glass into the world of same gender loving; a world in which I didn’t quite feel I was ready for, so I thought.
After doing mental gymnastics in my mind to convince myself that my same sex attraction would dissipate once I found the “right girl”, I finally gave into my curiosities; a curiosity in which gay porn and YIM chats couldn’t curve.
Now the decision to finally embrace my curiosities didn’t come easy. My family was in disarray. My mom, hospitalized due to open heart surgery; my sister, institutionalized due to her bipolar disorder; my step dad, victimized by my bipolar sister; my older sister, just trying to keep our household together while maintaining her own home and life. I witnessed all the craziness happening around me, contributing what I could for a broke college student trying to maintain a scholarship.
I needed an out. Since the majority of my friends were off to college, I had no one to really confide in. So, I made the decision to try out those gay social networking sites that my YIM mates told me so much about. My intentions were pretty clear; I sought understanding, acceptance, and guidance.
All I got were random requests for sexual favors. It took me a while to understand the dynamic of “the life”, as some labeled it. Still, I couldn’t get with it. This led to several insecure moments where I finally classified myself as an outcast among the group of young gay/dl black males in the universe. It also didn’t help being told that I wasn’t normal – although I was supposed to take my abnormality as a compliment. I also had to learn the difference between real-life ogling as opposed to internet ogling.
I guess I was cute enough to gain stares from my male peers as I walked the sidewalks to my classes. I even had a football player constantly eyeing me in my Psych class before I dropped it. I guess I’ll never know what could’ve been with that (and he was fuckin’ hot…like, seriously…no, I mean, seriously…ok, I’m done).
October, the month I came to grips with my sexuality. It would take my first kiss, first blow job, my first “relationship”/breakup, then my first real date/love/obsession/heartbreak/over it/hookup/over it, and a partridge in a pair tree to grasp the gay black experience.
I still had a ways to go and many lessons to learn, but it was a start. The emotion and confusion, the thrill and the worry, all bottled up. Honestly, I regret nothing, even though I regretted so much during that period. If it wasn’t for me taking a chance, I probably wouldn’t be the guy that I am now. It’s since been 5 years, and each time October rolls around, it takes me back to that naive 19 year old boy, who wanted nothing but to understand why he could no longer keep his sexuality at bay.
He got his answers, and now he’s blogging about them.